Lost in Space
by blinkie
Summary: ONESHOT. In the midst of a battle, Dearka brings terribly sad news and the onceformidable Yzak Joule breaks down. Will he find comfort in the man who has always secretly pined for him? YD, some YS, character death, and very mild shounenai.


Hi everyone! My name is blinkie and this is my first Gundam Seed fic! I love Yzak to deth so I decided to make one on him. Standard one-shot. I had to kill off someone here and I'm sorry to the fans! ;p I like Yzak/Dearka and Yzak/Shiho and anyone else Yzak is paired with, as long as it's well-depicted!

Reviews and constructive criticism welcome! ;p I hope I pulled off the characterization well enough!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor claim to own Gundam Seed and any of its characters. Gundam Seed is owned by its creator Mitsuo Fukuda.

Tired. Exhausted. Enough.

Yzak Jule, staid and driven ZAFT Commander, was never one to admit defeat to anyone, much less to himself, but tonight was the exception. Physical and mental exhaustion had plagued him for the past 72 hours and he was ready to snap. Snippets of sleep, stolen in the wee hours of the morning, would not suffice to calm his tense nerves. Here, in this isolated corner of space where a desperate battle of dominion was being fought, he was on edge, and he was afraid. Yes, afraid. Afraid for Shiho, for his ship, and for himself. He was afraid of the uncertain tomorrow. Although he had been strictly trained to discipline his emotions since childhood, he could feel the primitive _id_ railing against the superego: "I want to go home. I don't care anymore. I want to see her before it's too late."

Five days ago, upon orders to investigate large-scale suspicious activity in the remains of the far-flung ZAFT base _Telos_, the Jule squad encountered a mercenary faction identifying themseleves as "Zhan Si" who promptly engaged them in battle. Shiho Hahnenfuss, his fiancee, had been left behind in the ZAFT military base _Gentian_ in Aprilius 5 as XO and was among those scheduled to arrive as back-up, but she had been critically injured in a coordinated terrorist attack on the base that had already killed 172 to count.

The surprise battle launched by the mercenary force had decimated his forces and thus was proving to be more difficult than expected, with no back-up yet in sight.

_A diversion._ _These bastards are keeping us busy trying to keep ourselves getting killed here while they're killing us over there. _

_A nice dark cool room would be nice_, he thought. _At least five hours of sleep. Give me that luxury._

But who was he kidding? The enemy had retreated for now, but as long as their threat still lingers, he could not afford that. They were a powerful adversary, with weapons technology at par with that of the Coordinators'. He had experienced that firsthand, in his attempts to take down the squad. Although he managed to completely destroy two of their mobile suits, his ZGMF-GOUF suffered extensive, nearly fatal mechanical damage. The mechanics had been working round-the-clock to repair it and it was 65 completed already. He shuddered. True, there were three more functional mobile suits on board with highly skilled pilots at their helm – among them his best friend Dearka Elsman - but Yzak was worried. In the dark silence of his room, he prayed with uncharacteristic humility that these would be enough to defend them till tomorrow, when back-up was scheduled to arrive.

_Of all the damnedest places to wage a fuckin war, they HAD to choose this godforsaken place. _

Yzak lay on his bed with his arm thrown over his eyes, even though the room was enveloped in darkness, as if shielding his eyes from sights unbearable to behold any longer. He tried to silence his roiling emotions with anger. Anger at thought of Shiho far away, injured, and anger at his inability to do anything for her; anger at himself for being the perfect soldier, one who would follow legitimate orders till the end, one who always put duty above everything else; and anger that he prided himself on fighting a battle turned against their favor instead of retreating – and seeing Shiho before things got worse.

_Retreat?_ Yzak sneered. No, that word was foreign to him. He instead threw in a prayer for Shiho to be strong, to pull through, to wait for his return.

The door slid open. A flood of light from the hallway pierced the darkness, startling him. Yzak squinted and saw a figure standing just outside the doorway.

"Yzak?" Dearka Elsman peered into the room. "Yzak, that's you right? What are you doing here, without the lights on?" he asked hesitantly.

"Don't you know how to knock, idiot?" Yzak snapped, sitting up quickly, embarrassed to be caught laying on the bed.

"Well, I was looking for you all over the ship and I just kind of…got worried. Because you weren't in the Medical Bay when I checked," Dearka replied.

"And what am I supposed to do in the Medical Bay? I can't exactly command a ship from there, can I?!" he retorted.

Dearka opened his mouth as if to fire back, but closed it. His forehead creased with worry as he noticed Yzak's left arm in a sling and his forehead wrapped in bandage. "How are you? I hear you were in pretty bad shape when you got back."

"Well, obviously I'm fine now," Yzak snapped. "So? What're you doing here?"

"Nothing. Well..." Dearka looked dismayed by the hostility that emanated from Yzak. "I just heard...you know, about Shiho..." he stopped.

Yzak turned away. "And?" he replied icily.

"You know, right?" Dearka looked searchingly at his friend's face but was met with a chilly stare.

"Know what? That those bastards," Yzak threw a hand out to the window, "infiltrated and blew up the entire base with enough power to generate a two-point-oh eartquake in the immediate vicinity? Yes, I know that. That's _old_ news." Yzak practically spat out. "Now, I have more important things to do than talk. I have a ship to man." With this, he pushed himself off the bed and strode past Dearka into the hallway but stopped short as Dearka grabbed his arm, restraining him.

"No, that's not it." Dearka frowned. "Yzak, you're pushing yourself too much. Get some rest."

Yzak turned and glowered at Dearka. "And put this ship on goddamn autopilot for those psychotic damn retards to shoot down?? Over my fuckin dead body!" He shook off Dearka's hand from his arm, but Dearka grabbed him with just as much zeal.

Dearka rolled his eyes. "We don't _do_ autopilot in a war. Captain Muji will take care of the ship. Hell, _I'll_ take care of it. We're on shifting, remember?" Yzak made as if to pull away, but Dearka held on. "Please?"

Yzak pulled away and set Dearka a steely gaze. "If you've got enough time to convince me to rest, I suggest you do so yourself. We're in a war right now and we can't afford any slip-up, especially with our pilots. The next time those fuckers dare show their faces, let's finish them off so we can get the hell home."

"But, you know, right?" Dearka hesitated once more, his brow creased, and now Yzak could clearly see the troubled expression. The fear that had been displaced by newfound anger suddenly came back full-force. He clenched his hands tightly.

_Impossible_.."Know what?" he barked out.

Dearka would not meet his eyes.

"Goddamnit Dearka! What is it!" He grabbed Dearka's collar and pushed him back against the wall. He silenced his growing panic with every ounce of his will.

"Shiho. She, uhm. Passed away this morning." Dearka glanced up tentatively, and quickly averted his gaze when he saw his friend's expression. Yzak's eyes grew so wide and his mouth slowly dropped open as he let go of Dearka.

"Liar," he whispered, horror-struck.

The blond shook his head. "HQ wired this morning, while you were in the sick bay. I told them I'd tell you when you wake up. I was told she passed on quietly." He looked at Yzak with sorrow etched on his face. "I'm sorry."

"I- see. So." Yzak's face smoothed out and he looked away. Numb shock filled him entirely, and grief was beginning to gnaw at the edges. Stepping back, he thanked Dearka for the information, barely recognizing his own voice - the odd, controlled quality of it. He turned and walked smartly back to his living quarters, locked the door, and dropped to the floor, sobbing.

-------

Yzak cracked opened his eyes to an unfamiliar white ceiling. He raised his head and looked around, blinking groggily, and finally recognized his surroundings.

_Medical_ _Bay, again?_

"Thank god you're awake!" a familiar voice exclaimed behind him. Yzak looked over his shoulder and saw Dearka rushing towards him, pausing only for a moment before giving him an awkward hug. Yzak pushed him back, frowning.

"What's that for? It's not like I died or anything." He rubbed his head. "What am I doing back here anyway?

"I waited for you to come out of your room and when you didn't, I went in and found you passed out on the floor. So I brought you here," Dearka replied.

And then it hit him with the impact of a high-speed train crash. The conversation in the hallway, pushing Dearka against the wall - Yzak's eyes widened and he doubled over, gasping.

"Yzak? Yzak, what's wrong?" Dearka was immediately back at his side, shaking him.

He looked up, eyes brimming with tears, hands clutching the sheets so tightly his knuckles were white. "It's true, right? Shiho..." A tear slid down his cheek.

Dearka sighed, closing his eyes, and nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

The tears came, and he hugged his knees to his chest, crying silently. Dearka turned away as if to leave, then apparently decided against it, instead sitting beside Yzak on the bed and taking him into his arms. Yzak stiffened at first and attempted to push him away, but Dearka held him tight, not saying a word, just stroking his friend's hair. Finally Yzak gave in and clutched at his friend in an awkward one-armed hug, sobs racking his body.

After a few minutes Yzak straightened up. "Shit, how disgusting." He swiped at his eyes angrily. "Those bastards," he choked out. "I'll kill every last one of them." With fiery resolve he sprang from the bed only to be restrained once more by Dearka, who was holding onto his hand. Yzak glanced sharply at him, opening his mouth to snap but was cut off.

"It's done, Yzak. We won."

"What do you mean, we won?" he repeated angrily.

"I mean, we won," Dearka stated simply. Yzak continued staring at him, so he continued. "The back-up arrived, but long after we disabled their mother ship. It was easy pickings after that." He shrugged. "See, I told you we'd take care of it."

"But...how? So fast?" Yzak felt his mind was operating two seconds slower than the world.

Dearka managed a grin. "You were out cold almost, hmm," he checked his watch quickly, "twenty hours. So it wasn't really _that_ fast." He squeezed his hand and let go.

"I can't believe it. Are you serious?" Yzak murmured in shocked disbelief, sinking back to the bed. "How did it happen? With only three mobile suits...?"

Dearka frowned and looked away, his face darkening. "Those bastards made you cry. I didn't like that."

"What?" Yzak asked, not sure if he had heard correctly.

Dearka turned back to Yzak, a small smile on his lips. "That's what I like about you. You're so damn smart but your EQ's way below retard level sometimes." He reached out and ruffled Yzak's hair before standing up. "Oh, we're headed home, did I tell you? We should arrive at 2300. And don't worry about anything. Captain Muji understands you were badly injured and he doesn't hold anything against you. Neither does anyone on this ship. Hell, taking down two of their monsters single-handedly, you deserved a break. He said so himself." Dearka noticed Yzak's mouth quivering slightly and he turned away, a pained look on his face. "Ja, I'm heading to the mess hall. Join me if you want," he tried to say nonchalantly, swallowing hard.

"Dearka?" Yzak's voice came from behind him.

"Yeah?" Dearka willed himself to turn back.

"...Thank you." He forced the words out as he was not used to thanking anyone. "I mean it."

Dearka laughed softly and waved his hand dismissively. "Psh, no big deal."

They looked at each other a moment longer before Dearka stepped up and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"I won't say it'll be okay just yet, because I know it won't be, but I'm with you every step of the way. I hope you remember that," Dearka said quietly. He gave him a gentle push. "Go on, wash up before some poor sod comes and sees your face that way. I'll wait for you outside." With that, Dearka left.

Yzak stood there, watching his friend leave. His grief weighed heavily on his heart but it was no longer all consuming, as he had felt when he cried earlier in Dearka's arms. His friend had lit a tiny flicker of hope in him, a flicker so bright it seared through the darkness of his heart, and what little comfort it offered, he treasured very deeply.

_It won't be okay, but maybe it will be. As long as you're with me all the way._


End file.
